Corporate Man is called in to investigate reports of vile, unethical business practices at Great American Business Company. What he finds there just might destroy him (except we all know the ending to The Tragic Death of Corporate Man so it should be fairly obvious that it can't really destroy him, though it can come close).
Enslaved by the Bonus Whores is an all new Corporate Man Adventure Serial. Chapters will post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Tragic Death of Corporate Man
a hero for capitalism;
champion of the working class
by Tom Landaluce
On the Trail of Greedy Butt Puppets
Best week we ever had, Ma’am,” Aaron, the manager, said. A yellow moustache dominated a large area of his head compensating quite well for the thin, sickly wisps on top. “We blew through more product than any of us could have projected. Our guys really put in the extra time and effort to ensure that all the customers were serviced in a timely manner. I’ve calculated the managerial bonuses. I think you’ll be quite pleased.”
The bosswoman’s nostrils flared and her upper lip quivered as through she detected a foul odor. Her face had no laugh lines. Oh, there wrinkles, and other indicators of age, but none of them were related to anything jovial whatsoever.
“Is that so?” she said.
Aaron tensed. He detected a tone in her voice, the one that meant his day was about to become less than enjoyable. She used this tone with him a few times a week and he never seemed to get used to it. Sweat matted thin strands of hair to his scalp.
“It’s the highest bonus we’ve ever received,” he said.
She snatched the clipboard out of Aaron’s clammy hands and glanced at the week’s numbers. After thumbing through a couple of pages she sharply tapped a section.
“What’s your explanation for that?” she said.
“The overtime? We did nearly three times our normal output. I called in everyone I could and we had to work extra shifts to get all the product out.”
“Overtime hours count against my bonus, directly affecting my salary. I lost money because your lazy workers couldn’t get their jobs done on time,” the bosswoman said. When she spoke it was as though her mouth moved independently from the rest of her face.
“Those workers scored you the biggest bonus you’ve ever received.”
The bosswoman titled her head like an older sibling suffering the irritation of explaining herself to a younger brother.
“They cost me money. Running up a bunch of overtime to line their pockets with cash that was rightfully mine.”
“I can’t believe–”
The bosswoman held up her hand and silenced Aaron. She then reached into her pocket and removed a vibrating cell phone.
“Yes,” she said. After a short pause, she continued, “Just the usual incompetence… No, no. I lost interest in the conversation about fifteen seconds ago.”
The bosswoman turned her back on Aaron and walked away.
“This is most troublesome news… No, he’s obviously a screw up, just like his grandfather… Really? Who is she? A secretary? And she works for us, you say? Uggh. Employees. I yearn for the day when it is economically feasible to replace them all with automatons… Yes, put out the word. Let’s go after these two with everything we’ve got.”