Corporate Man is called in to investigate reports of vile, unethical business practices at Great American Business Company. What he finds there just might destroy him (except we all know the ending to The Tragic Death of Corporate Man so it should be fairly obvious that it can't really destroy him, though it can come close).
Enslaved by the Bonus Whores is an all new Corporate Man Adventure Serial. Chapters will post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Monday, February 27, 2012
The bossman opened up a chat window and typed <well?>
The response was swift <nothing yet. alerts are out over all twelve districts. no sign>
<and the other corners?>
<south and west report negative results. east side has yet to provide an update>
That bitch, the bossman thought but did not type. Then he typed it and added an mf and a few other expletives that he would never allow himself to send across the company intranet. He deleted the remark, closed the chat window, then pressed a button on his desk phone.
“Get me that bitch on the
There was no reply. Oh yes. That’s right. Ms. Adams had defected to the other side and this morning’s temp had already quit. Quit or had been fired, he couldn’t remember which. He looked at the buttons on his phone. There was a grouping of four; separate from the standard numbers and interoffice speed dials. They were designated N, E, S, W. The bossman scowled for a moment and then pushed the E. A ringing tone came from the speaker.
“Incorporated Business Corporation Incorporated.”
The bossman cleared his throat and said, “Don’t jerk me around missy. I need to speak with your boss right now.”
“Sorry, sir. She’s in a meeting,” the cheerful voice said.
“No she’s not. She has the same job as I do and there are never any meetings. And, if there were a meeting, I would be there. And if it were a meeting that I was not required to attend then it would be something that she could get out of without any issue.”
“Which branch are you from?”
“Not that it matters, but the North Side,” the bossman said.
“Thank you, sir. That will be just one moment.”
There was a slight pause.
“Yep. She’s in a meeting.”
“Stop it. Right now. I am not amused by this whatsoever,” the bossman said. He enjoyed using the word whatsoever. Not as much as using abbreviated curses in a chat window, but it was still a bright spot in any conversation when it presented itself.
“I can put you through to her voicemail,” the cheerful secretary suggested.
“Do not! You will transfer me to her cell phone.”
“I’m sorry, sir, only a privileged few have access to that number.”
“And I am one of them.”
“Oh. Well congratulations sir. How thrilling for you. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“Yes. Transfer me to her gd cell phone!” the bossman said. And though he loved abbreviated curses in an online forum, he loathed it when they slipped out in an oral conversation.
“I’m sorry, sir, I must have misunderstood you. I thought you said you have access to the number.”
Then bossman clenched his jaw. When he finally spoke his voice was considerably louder than before.
“I am authorized to call her cell. I’m just… away from my desk right now. So put me through.”
“Sir,” the cheerful voice said, becoming slightly less cheerful. “The line we are speaking on is an office line. Direct from your desk phone to that of my boss, routed to my phone because she is otherwise occupied.”
“Just call your boss. Tell her it’s me. Then put me on the line with her,” the bossman yelled.
“Please hold,” the cheerful voice said, her tone bordering on curt. There was no hold music. Instead, the bossman had to endure nearly four minutes of corporate back patting and messages intended to bolster enthusiasm in the company. The bossman felt his enthusiasm for the company waning.
“What?” a gruff female voice said, finally interrupting the corporate propaganda.
“Fire your secretary,” the bossman said. “She’s incompetent and kept me on hold for nearly five minutes.”
“Actually, it was four. And the bulk of that time was just me… leaving you on hold. The call was transferred to my phone over three minutes ago,” the bosswoman said.
“I hate you.”
“No. You’re just jealous of my success.”
“Are you saying you’ve located the bull?” the bossman asked.
“Sadly, no. And I’ve been too busy firing people over it to look into the matter myself.”
“Then file your negative sighting report, damn it.”
“I don’t like negative reports on my record,” the bosswoman said.
“It’s an information update advising the other branches that you have not located the bull yet. IE… Search results negative.”
“Still sounds bad,” she said. “Now, I really must disconnect. I haven’t finished counting all of my bonus money yet.”