2.a.x
He saw a vertical
grid of hexagonal cubicles. In the
hexagons, visible through a hazy but translucent film, were human forms. Their heads were housed in large cylindrical
containers complete with blinking lights and a scattering of wires connecting
the cylinders to the hexagonal walls.
Through the film the blinking lights looked like fuzzy, tennis ball
shaped stars.
Men and women
in expensive suits with golden wasp cufflinks escorted men and women in far
less expensive clothing through a series of velvet ropes to the cubical
wall. Helpful signs, hastily painted in
black on white paper, provided instructions with equally helpful arrow shapes.
Corporate
Philosophy Seminar and Reeducation ®
Modern
Business Tactics and Thought Processes ¬
Complimentary
Lunch Cafeteria ¯
Coin Op
Bathrooms
“The training
is intensive, I won’t lie,” a woman with far too many teeth, which were also a
bit too white, explained to a man in a brown polo shirt. “It takes the better part of a week, but thanks
to our Corporate Mind Hive you will receive two years worth of knowledge and
information within that short period of time.
Results guaranteed.”
The man in the
brown polo looked apprehensive.
“Is the process
safe?”
“Of course,”
the abundantly toothed woman said, adjusting her cufflinks.
“I’ve heard
that some people are brain damaged by the training. And that a few have failed to survive
altogether.”
“If that’s
true then they must have been sorry businessmen. Not suited for management. Let me ask you this, Mr. Lowry. Are
you a poor businessman? Do you want to
fail?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Then why are
you worried? You’ll be fine.”
“Do I really
have to be naked in there? In all that
goopy stuff?” he asked.
“I think
you’re asking the wrong question. It
should be, ‘Do I get to be naked in there?’
Am I right?”
“Uh,
okay. Do I get to be naked in there?”
“Yes,” she
said with great enthusiasm.
“Okay, then why do I get to be naked in there?”
“Because it’s
fun and it feels good.”
“It has
nothing to do with process? The science
of it all?” he asked.
“That’s an
excellent question. Now, let’s get you
into one of the Mind Hive Pods.”
She rushed the
man in the brown polo toward an open, hexagon in the cubicle wall and ordered
him to strip. The man unbuttoned two of
the three buttons on his shirt, the third existing in a constant unfastened
state as per the mandates of its particular style. He gripped his shirt collar and looked around
nervously.
“Hurry up,”
the woman with far too many teeth said.
When her demand was met with more hesitation she turned toward the wall,
opened up a small cabinet in the space between Mind Hive Pods, and pulled out a
black and yellow striped cattle prod.
She brandished it about in a manner that would be described as “threatening”
by some and “motivational” by others.
The business end of the device crackled with white hot sparks.
The man in the
brown polo whipped his head back and forth, searching frantically. The woman with the mouth full of teeth and
the hand full of authority motivated the man in the brown polo. He yelled and grabbed at his backside.
“Okay,
okay. Just quit with the – Ow!”
She prodded
him again, this time in the chest. The
man tried to dodge but she hit again and he skittered toward the Mind Hive Pod.
“That’s
enough!” a deep, booming voice called out.
The smiley woman whirled around, cattle prod burning through the air
like sparklers on the 4th of July.
The man in the brown polo exhaled and his shoulders slumped forward.
Corporate Man
dropped down from above, necktie fastened in a stately Windsor knot and billowing
like a cape behind his dark suit. He
crashed into the cattle prod bearing woman with his fist. A sprinkling bright white chickets tinkled across
the floor. The next time the woman
smiled there would be noticeably less teeth in her mouth, but still far more
than average.
