Corporate Man is called in to investigate reports of vile, unethical business practices at Great American Business Company. What he finds there just might destroy him (except we all know the ending to The Tragic Death of Corporate Man so it should be fairly obvious that it can't really destroy him, though it can come close).
Enslaved by the Bonus Whores is an all new Corporate Man Adventure Serial. Chapters will post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Friday, March 23, 2012
“Are you the douche?” Tanya asked
“Excuse me?” the man said. “What are you doing in here? Didn’t you see the ‘closed for service’ sign?”
“Yes I did and–”
“And you’ll just have to wait to pee pee, won’t you?” the man said. He turned his attention back toward the bathroom stall he was squatting in front of, raised a carpenter’s square to a sidewall, and squinted like an artist eyeing the proportions of a nude model.
“No. I won’t. I’m covered in something nasty and need to wash. Also, I don’t think I’ve peed since the hospital so my business here is compulsory. On top of that, I’ve been circling this bathroom for twenty minutes looking for the douche bag in charge, hoping the maintenance man would hurry up and finish with the bathroom so I could attend nature’s call.”
“That’s quite the life story. Now get out.”
“What are you doing? You aren’t even fixing anything.”
“Oh yes I am,” said the man.
“Yeah? And what would that be?”
“In the toilet?” Tanya said, putting her hands on her hips.
“It sure has been. But once I trim a few unnecessary costs, we’ll be back in the black.”
“Oh god. You’re the douche. The D.O.S.”
“District Operational Supervisor. Uh huh.”
“We were racking our brains trying to think of douchey things you might be up to and we thought up some pretty douchey stuff. And now, here you are.”
“Yes. Now there you go,” he said, pointing toward the door.
“So… just out of curiosity, what are your doing to cut costs. And just how extraordinarily douchey is it?”
“I have no obligation to explain myself to you, but your over use of the word douche has put me somewhat at ease so I’ll explain. Also, I do like to show people how budgetarily clever I can be.”
“Thrill me,” said Tanya.
“Well, the bulk of our clientele and the majority of our employees are female and, as your intrusion into this facility illustrates, your gender tends to use the restroom an awful lot,” the D.O.S. said.
“Buddy, you’re entering dangerous territory here.”
“Was it the bathroom comment of the use of the word ‘bulk’ when referencing women? I know you tend to be sensitive about your weight.”
“Oh! You did not just–”
The D.O.S. shook his head and waved his hand back and forth dismissively.
“Doesn’t matter. The way I figure it, if I reduce the amount of available toilet paper I can trim three percent off our operating costs. So I’m proposing the installation of dispensing machines which will provide only one square of toilet paper per person.”
“Oh I know what you’re going to say. ‘One square is not enough for number two.’ But when it comes to that, a guest may simply exit the stall and reenter for another piece of paper. Or, if corporate really wants to invest in this idea, there are machines that can detect malodorous emanations and dispense up to five squares.”
The D.O.S. smiled.
“No, what I was going to say was that dispensing machines would cost more than the amount of money saved on the toilet paper.”
The D.O.S. shook his head, ever so slightly, and said, “See. That’s why you aren’t a high ranking corporate official. The expenditure for the dispensing machines would be allocated under the remodeling budget and would, therefore, not count against the store performance statistics.”
“Can you excuse me for a minute?” Tanya asked.
“Certainly. I’ve got a lot of measuring to do.”
“Yeah. You do that. I’ll be back directly.” Tanya shook her head and mouthed the words “douche” and “bag” as she went back to the sales floor.