2.b.iv
“Are you the
douche?” Tanya asked
“Excuse me?”
the man said. “What are you doing in
here? Didn’t you see the ‘closed for
service’ sign?”
“Yes I did
and–”
“And you’ll
just have to wait to pee pee, won’t you?” the man said. He turned his attention
back toward the bathroom stall he was squatting in front of, raised a
carpenter’s square to a sidewall, and squinted like an artist eyeing the
proportions of a nude model.
“No. I won’t.
I’m covered in something nasty and need to wash. Also, I don’t think I’ve peed since the hospital
so my business here is compulsory. On
top of that, I’ve been circling this bathroom for twenty minutes looking for
the douche bag in charge, hoping the maintenance man would hurry up and finish
with the bathroom so I could attend nature’s call.”
“That’s quite
the life story. Now get out.”
“What are you
doing? You aren’t even fixing anything.”
“Oh yes I am,”
said the man.
“Yeah? And what would that be?”
“Our budget.”
“Your budget?”
“Yep.”
“In the
toilet?” Tanya said, putting her hands on her hips.
“It sure has
been. But once I trim a few unnecessary
costs, we’ll be back in the black.”
“Oh god. You’re the douche. The D.O.S.”
“District
Operational Supervisor. Uh huh.”
“We were
racking our brains trying to think of douchey things you might be up to and we
thought up some pretty douchey stuff. And
now, here you are.”
“Yes. Now there you go,” he said, pointing toward
the door.
“So… just out
of curiosity, what are your doing to cut costs.
And just how extraordinarily douchey is it?”
“I have no obligation
to explain myself to you, but your over use of the word douche has put me
somewhat at ease so I’ll explain. Also,
I do like to show people how budgetarily clever I can be.”
“Thrill me,” said
Tanya.
“Well, the
bulk of our clientele and the majority of our employees are female and, as your
intrusion into this facility illustrates, your gender tends to use the restroom
an awful lot,” the D.O.S. said.
“Buddy, you’re
entering dangerous territory here.”
“Oh… Really?”
“Uh huh.”
“Was it the
bathroom comment of the use of the word ‘bulk’ when referencing women? I know you tend to be sensitive about your
weight.”
“Oh! You did not just–”
The D.O.S.
shook his head and waved his hand back and forth dismissively.
“Doesn’t
matter. The way I figure it, if I reduce
the amount of available toilet paper I can trim three percent off our operating
costs. So I’m proposing the installation
of dispensing machines which will provide only one square of toilet paper per
person.”
“But that’s–”
“Oh I know
what you’re going to say. ‘One square is
not enough for number two.’ But when it comes to that, a guest may simply exit
the stall and reenter for another piece of paper. Or, if corporate really wants to invest in
this idea, there are machines that can detect malodorous emanations and
dispense up to five squares.”
The D.O.S.
smiled.
“No, what I
was going to say was that dispensing machines would cost more than the amount
of money saved on the toilet paper.”
The D.O.S.
shook his head, ever so slightly, and said, “See. That’s why you aren’t a high ranking
corporate official. The expenditure for
the dispensing machines would be allocated under the remodeling budget and
would, therefore, not count against the store performance statistics.”
“Can you excuse
me for a minute?” Tanya asked.
“Certainly. I’ve got a lot of measuring to do.”
“Yeah. You do that.
I’ll be back directly.” Tanya shook her head and mouthed the words
“douche” and “bag” as she went back to the sales floor.
