Corporate Man is called in to investigate reports of vile, unethical business practices at Great American Business Company. What he finds there just might destroy him (except we all know the ending to The Tragic Death of Corporate Man so it should be fairly obvious that it can't really destroy him, though it can come close).
Enslaved by the Bonus Whores is an all new Corporate Man Adventure Serial. Chapters will post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Normal vision returned. The CEO was waving a hand in front of Mr. Jones’s face.
“Apparently, we have a breakdown in communications,” the CEO said turning his attention to Tanya. “Perhaps we should reschedule.”
Before Tanya could respond, Mr. Jones leapt onto the desk, grabbed the CEO by the wrists, and slammed the two golden wasp cufflinks together. There was a static pop, a crackle of sparks, and a hollow exhalation of breath escaping the CEO’s mouth. A smell like burnt hair crept into the room and a wispy trail of smoke bled up from somewhere on the CEO’s scalp.
“What did you do?” Tanya asked.
“Shorted his programming.”
“He’s a robot?”
“No, but those cufflinks are wired to his nervous system and run all the corporate protocols,” Mr. Jones said.
“How did you know to do that?”
“Oh… I remembered it. Junior Executive and I once infiltrated the Corporate Mind Hive. This woman was about to put him into a pod that would restructure his brain to the preferred corporate model. After I knocked out some of her teeth we–”
Tanya huffed her disapproval and scowled.
“Don’t worry, she had enough to spare. Anyway, we were swarmed by Mind Hive security. Junior was the one who saw it first. All the guards wore the golden wasps as well. I think he was trying to rip a pair off a guard’s sleeve and during the struggle the cuffs clanged together and the guard shorted out. There’s a monitor center that takes over when someone in the field goes down like that. You’ll see it with our friend here in a–”
“LET’S DO A TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE,” the CEO said raising up quickly in his chair, seemingly alert.
“He’ll shout corporate jargon while tech support attempts a reboot.”
“SHELF TALKERS ARE AN
EFFECTIVE WAY TO
REACH OUR CUSTOMERS.”
“See,” said Mr. Jones.
“THE COMPANY’S SUCCESS DEPENDS ON YOUR ABILITY TO WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM,” the CEO called out after a moment.
Tanya’s face pinched and she shook her head. “Aw god. Make it stop.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Can we slap him or something,” Tanya asked.
“Don’t see why not.”
“PLEASE FOLLOW THE PLAN-O-GRAM TO ENSURE OPTIMAL MECHANDISING DISPLAYS,” the CEO continued.
Tanya smacked his face.
“USE YOUR SCRIPTING–”
“IDENTIFY AREAS OF
“AN EFFICIENCY EXPERT–”
Slap! Slap! Slap!
“I’M SORRY BUT HOURS HAD TO BE TRIMMED. WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE SACRIFICES IN ORDER TO EXCEL.”
Tanya raised her hand again, but Mr. Jones grabbed her wrist and, like a boy detective solving a great mystery, he said, “Hey, have you noticed that every time you slap him he immediately begins another line of corporate jargon? He doesn’t even leave a pause.”
“Yeah,” said Tanya, eager to find out what Mr. Jones had discovered.
“So stop hitting him,” Mr. Jones said.
Tanya slumped in a chair and folded her arms.
“GOOD WORK TEAM. WE’RE FIVE PERCENT ABOVE PLAN.”